


Tape 2: Side B - P. Maryam

by Narcis_The_Monk



Series: Confession Tapes [4]
Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety Attacks, Depression, Drug Use, F/F, F/M, Gen, Miscarriage, Recreational Drug Use, Teen Pregnancy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-18
Updated: 2018-01-22
Packaged: 2019-03-06 14:49:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 16,322
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13413558
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Narcis_The_Monk/pseuds/Narcis_The_Monk
Summary: Porrim Maryam, currently age 26, tells the important moments of her life.One of the Dancestor sets, meaning its timeline is slightly later than the Ancestor sets.





	1. One of the Boys

“So I don't wanna be one of the boys,  
One of your guys.  
Just give me a chance to prove to you tonight,  
That I just wanna be one of the girls,  
Pretty in pearls...  
Not one of the boys.”

Porrim Maryam had admittedly spent most of her young life as a bit of a rough and tough girl. She ran the neighborhood with Meenah when they were five and together they continued to rule side by side until middle school. Meenah was sent overseas to a boarding school, and Porrim was left alone to her own devices the summer before she started middle school. 

Looking back on it now, she feels it was a rather silly thought, but the young Maryam had convinced herself Meenah would come back so different; so “ladylike” that her oldest friend would spit at the dirty, silly girl still playing pretend in the dirt and swimming in the creek. So she set off to change too, so she wouldn’t be left behind.

But as she started reading more magazines on fashion and makeup, she found herself actually interested in them. The things you could do with makeup were amazing, and with her long hair she had a whole world of options for how she wanted to wear it. She begged her mom to take her school clothes shopping. It took surprisingly less convincing to get her mother let her have makeup, but the older hispanic woman merely waved it all away with the mysterious statement of “of course, mija.” 

She taught herself how to pair colors and patterns, how to color coordinate her outfits and to make sure her accessories matched. She started taking better care of her hair, brushing it carefully and learning how to braid and style it.

Her first day of middle school went splendidly. She made a few friends, she was pretty, and she didn’t wrestle with the boys anymore. Whispers spread through the school like wildfire, and she thought maybe she could do this. She could overcome those weird feelings of anxiety starting to spark in her at all this change, at missing her best friend. She felt hope still, belief that she take charge of her life. But those whispers quickly shifted, soon becoming jealous whispers of girls that felt threatened, girls she didn’t even know.

Soon it became too much, those desperate letters of comfort from her friend weren’t coming fast enough for her childhood impatience and plummeting self-esteem. And Porrim decided, fuck it. If they were going to talk about her anyway, she might as well dress how she really wanted. Let her fashion, all the things she had learned, reflect how she felt inside. And she changed again. 

She had been finding herself drawn to darker colors, to more dramatic necklines and layers. She started altering her clothes, even making new clothes from them. She did her makeup darker, playing more with her eyeliner and false lashes. She was then sorted into the “gothic” category and soon forgotten, and she felt relief in the loneliness. Outcast was fine. She could still write Meenah, and maybe soon she could see about getting an email.   
She was fine, this was fine.

Slowly, she headed down a quiet trail into a pit of depression. She withdrew from others, slipped into a shell she presented to the world. Isolation bothered her more than she had thought it would. She just felt sad all day, and eventually it manifested itself into a feeling of heaviness, and she found it harder to pull herself out of the bed. She hated every bit of this, she degraded herself in her room every day for just lazing around. Sloth would be the sin that undid her, and the pride in her withered away into dust that twirled away in the somber breeze.

She kept that self-inflicted isolation though. If she was alone, there would be no rumors told, no whispers that fell silent in a hush when she cast her gaze about. It was worth it to avoid that, and that feeling would probably haunt her forever. So she stayed in that little bubble they’d given her, and she made no attempt to expand it.

She went to school alone, quietly passed her classes. She studied by herself and ate lunch alone at the lunch table hidden in the corner. She had managed to keep in as constant of contact as she could maintain with Meenah, but she was still lonely. Everyone had split off into their own groups, and a lot of people didn’t care for her now. But soon, other outcasts slowly joined her table at lunch. They mostly kept to themselves, but she still liked feeling a little less alone.  
One she knew, they grew up in the same neighborhood. Her name was Damara, and she spoke both English and Japanese. Though if she didn’t like you, she pretended she understood limited English. Porrim and her had never really talked and Meenah and her couldn’t stand each other. They talked occasionally now, but usually kept their own mutual silences.

The other that joined them was someone she hadn’t grown up next to. His name was Cronus. He had curly red hair and he wore a leather jacket that was much too big for him. He would offer her a smile occasionally, and she would smile back. She knew he rode a bike to school everyday and she had never once seen his parents. And he’d been sitting at her table for at least half the year even if they’d never spoken.

He was always drawing or doodling something, usually a car or a bike of some sort. Occasionally he wrote a poem, but he usually left them crumbled up on the table when he left for class. She shamelessly collected and hoarded them, usually earning a smirk from Damara. They spoke of sorrow and loneliness and they made her soul ache with familiarity.

She decided she was going to make friends with him before the school year ended.


	2. F**kin' Perfect

“Mistreated, misplaced, misunderstood,  
Miss No-Way-It's-All-Good,  
It didn't slow me down.  
Mistaken, always second guessing,  
Underestimated, look, I'm still around.  
Pretty, pretty, please, don't you ever, ever feel,  
Like you're less than fucking perfect.  
Pretty, pretty, please, if you ever, ever feel,  
Like you're nothing--You're fucking perfect to me.”

Porrim implemented this sudden decision to make friends by doing what any middle school girl worried about rejection did...she wrote a note. She planned it out carefully the night before, and wrote it in her favorite jade green pen. She didn’t have much she could say yet, only the things she’d noticed about Cronus. Hell, she only knew his name because Damara told her after quite a bit of teasing. 

So all in all, all the note said was: “I like your drawings, and your poems are lovely. Would you like to sit next to me?” She felt so ridiculous as she folded it carefully and made sure she had it in her pocket to slip to him when she sat down for lunch. She steeled her nerves through class, and calmed her heartbeat down when the bell rang for lunch. As she made her way through the halls, she felt briefly relieved that Damara had chosen to skip lunch today. She knew because she caught the tell-tale red ribbon and decorative pins in her hair as they slipped around the corner and off to the direction of the art building.

She saw Cronus as she retrieved her lunch, taking another breath as she dropped the note in his lap as she moved around to her usual chair. She settled in with her bag and her tray, and looked up to see he’d already unfolded it and had looked over to her. She watched his dark purple eyes, like unsure storm clouds on the horizon. She offered another tentative smile and watched as he gathered his things to come claim the seat beside her. She felt a bit of unbridled joy surge through her as she turned to look at him.

“I’m Porrim.” She greeted, holding her hand out to him. He took her hand and shook it, not meeting her eyes yet.

“I’m Cronus.” He stated, looking up at her now. He seemed awkward not sure of his actions. 

“It’s nice to meet you.” She answered, not about she’d already known his name. 

“Did it hurt?” He asked abruptly, a look of horror crossing his face. 

“Did what hurt?” She asked him tilting her head slightly. He dropped his hand from her’s, choosing to scratch the back of his head nervously instead. 

“When you fell from heaven…” He ended now, shame evident on his face. “See, I already blurted it out so I had to finish it. I was in too deep. I get nervous and just blurt out the stupidest things.”

“Is it always a pick up line?” She asked, smile spreading across her face.

“Usually.” He admitted, turning astonished eyes to her. She started giggling.

“Why?” She got out around the laughter in her own kind of shock.

“Well, you see, to answer that I have to tell ya somethin’ stupid personal about myself. So you have to promise to answer a question about yourself, kitten.” He responded and she smiled.

“Deal. Now spill.” She took a bite of one of her apple slices, humming softly.

“Okay, so my mom’s a stripper. She hears a lot of them, kinda collects them. So I memorized a bunch of them so when she’s feelin a little glum, I tell her bunch ‘til she smiles.” He answered, no hesitation. She mulled it over while she chewed, swallowing before she spoke.

“That’s...perfect. You’re not a creep, just a mama’s boy. It’s sweet.” She smiled at him, and he looked relieved. “So what’s your question?” 

“I never said I’d ask it right away. Um...what are you doing after school?” He asked, laughing nervously.

“Nothing. I’m caught up in all my classes. Why?” She was curious now, and he smiled. 

“I don’t have a lot of friends, and I was gonna ask if you wanted to hang out. Cause we’ve only got two classes together.” He asked, and she was surprised he’d noticed that. She was also surprised by the bluntness.

“Okay. I’ll meet you in front of the school then.” She agreed, smiling as he seemed to relax in his chair. 

They talked the rest of lunch, each learning more about each other. She found out he didn’t really get along with his father, but he’d always been close with his mother. He’d never really had friends, being the son of a stripper, and he really liked cars. He wanted to be a mechanic, and she thought it suited him. The bell rang, and she felt sad they had to part. He reminded her they had a class together before the end of the day and she smiled as she left to her class.

\------------

True to her word, she’d went to the front of the school to meet him. She had a note in her pocket he’d written her and slipped to her after their class together. It was silly, and sported a doodle of a car down in the corner, but she was happy to have a friend. She rounded the corner to catch an older student push Cronus and laugh at him. She moved quickly, sweeping in between her friend and the bully. She started in telling him off, so flustered she started firing rapid spanish at him until he turned around and left, calling her crazy.

She turned back to Cronus, helping him up and helping to dust him off. She calmed down, finally meeting his eyes and blushing at the smile spread across his face.

“What the hell did you say to him?” He asked her, and she looked towards the sky quietly.

“That if he didn’t fuck off, I would cut his dick off and feed it to him.” She answered quietly, and he burst out laughing.

“Fuck, I like that. I need ya teach me how to say that.” He answered, going to retrieve his bike. He patted the seat, offering her the honors of riding instead of pedalling. She smiled, finding it to be the most chivalrous thing anyone had ever done for her. She climbed up, humming as if in thought.

“I think I can do that. Where are we going?” She asked, and he turned o smile at her before he pushed off. 

“It’s a surprise.” Cronus answered, and Porrim smiled again. She rode quietly, taking in their surroundings. Soon they were in the park, the big one across town. He took them off the sidewalk, to a small bike trail. She could hear water, and she realized they were at the river the creek in her own neighborhood spawned from. He stopped the bike, moving to chain it up to a tree and helped her down. “You were wearing sneakers, so I figured it’d be cool. There’s this little area down by the river that’s hidden by the trees. No one can bug us. Or push me. Or talk shit. It’ll be our secret.”

“Wow...you’ve...really been paying attention.” She answered, taking his offered hand eventually. He helped her down and along the uneasy trail.

“Well, yeah. Haven’t you?” He asked and she blushed slightly.

“Yeah. You caught me.” She answered, focusing on the walk. He finally led her to an easier path, and they didn’t walk far before he pushed back some branches. She gasped as she looked in. There was a tree with large roots surrounded by flat stones like a small island. It was clear he’d been working to put in a path way and she smiled. “It’s...beautiful. How did you find this?”

“I was told to ‘go play’ a lot. Our apartment is close by. My dad pays for it, but we never see him. But I came to the park a lot, did some poking around. Only one person knew about it, but he...he doesn’t really remember anything anymore.” Cronus answered, still holding her hand as he led her along to the tree. She followed without question, settling down on a stone to lean back against the tree. 

“I used to explore with my best friend. We ran the neighborhood, the pair of us queens that knew all the nice hide-aways along the creek and in the woods. She went overseas recently.” Porrim answered, looking to him and realizing he’d finally let her hand go. They just leaned against each other in silence.  
“I think I know the question I wanna ask.” He answered, breaking the comfortable silence. She looked to him, waiting. She’d answer to the best of her capabilities. “Why...do you have such sad eyes?”

She was stunned into silence. She turned to meet his eyes, and just surrendered to his gaze. There wasn’t anything romantic, but there was something, some moment of bonding. She felt like she was supposed to be here in this moment. Like she found a piece of her. She didn’t realize she was crying until she felt the tears dripping down her cheeks and down onto her chest.

“Hey, whoa, I didn’t mean to make you cry.” He started digging through his pockets, and she stopped him as she turned around to throw her arms around his neck. He held her and patted her back, making quiet shushing sounds as he started rubbing soft gentle circles across her shoulders.

“I’m sorry, it’s just been...hard. Meenah left, and I was alone. I tried to fit in, and it just went so wrong. And now they treat me like I’m nothing, like I don’t exist...and I’m just so lonely.” She choked out words through quiet sobs, tears and mascara soaking his shirt.

“Well, you’re not alone now. And fuck all of ‘em. I mean, we haven’t talked a lot yet, but I think you’re perfect. You said you were caught up in all your classes? I’m failing three. And you look amazing. All the time.” He answered quietly, and she gave a half hearted laugh. She could feel him smiling as she pulled back to look up at him.

“Is one of them Spanish? I can tutor you. Being bilingual and all.” She asked, an attempt at changing the topic briefly.

“Maybe. But I got English hands down. Math is a little hard, and science kinda whoops me.” He admitted, letting her go when she pulled back.

“Thank you.” Porrim responded, and he grinned at her. 

“Don’t mention it. And if you need to talk, you’ve got me.” He offered, voice quiet as they settled into their own little world.  
“Same.” She answered, smile spreading across her face.

They spent hours under that tree, just talking. And they were always talking after that, as often as possible. He stayed close, and she wanted him there. They needed each other, and they found solace in the other’s company and words and quiet touches. 

And he never did leave her side.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "F**kin' Perfect" by P!nk


	3. Sleazy

“You can't imagine the immensity of the fuck I'm not giving,  
About your money and man servant and the mansion you live in.  
And I don't wanna go places where all my ladies can't get in,  
Just grab a bottle, some boys and let's take it back to my basement,  
And get sleazy.  
Sick of all your lines, so cheesy!  
Sorry daddy, but I'm not that easy!  
I'm not gonna sit here while you circle jerk it and work it,  
I'mma take it back to where my man and my girls is.”

Porrim and Cronus grew close, sharing and working through things together. They never moved past best friends, and for that she was grateful. She liked what they had now. They studied together, went to dances and snickered quietly in corners about the other students, he’d even stayed over a few times. Her mother had almost adopted him when she met him. Their sixth grade year was spent on growing and overcoming.

And their group grew beyond just the two of them. The first person to join them officially was Damara. Porrim found they got along quite well, and Cronus accepted pretty much anyone. He held grudges against the more popular students, but so did Porrim. Together they were letting go. And when Damara dropped her act, she was funny as hell. Strong, confident, an outcast on purpose. And she could be sweet. Porrim almost looked up to her, soon adopting the same confidence and pride in her every choice once more. Seventh grade was confidence and acceptance; and a year of new friendships.

They were hanging out together during gym, a class they all had together that year. They’d hidden down underneath the bleachers and were crowded around a drawing Damara had done earlier that was rather graphic. It was really well done actually, and she giggled a bit as she commented on how if the breasts were just a little smaller it could be her. The artist turned to waggle her eyebrows at her and she pushed on her arm.

Their laughter must have attracted attention, because soon they could hear footsteps above them. Damara rolled her eyes, rolling up the drawing and slipping it back into her bag. She dropped it down behind her and lounged against it, legs crossed with no mind to the short skirt. A couple heads poked in, and Damara greeted them with loud, angry Japanese spoken too fast for Porrim to understand. She was just a beginner at the language, learning key phrases from hanging around Damara. They disappeared again, and Damara looked to her friends. 

“Jesus, you have no chill. Always with the claws, kitten.” Cronus chuckled finally, grinning at her.

“And you are a chihuahua. All bark, no real bite.” Damara replied smuggly, daring him to disagree.

“Good thing I don’t get offended by you anymore, Dam. That almost hurt.” He answered, shaking his head. He never really knew how to handle her, ‘just winging everyone of their interactions from day one’ he’d told Porrim once.

“Let’s go. Not a safe place anymore.” She stood up, collecting her bag. Cronus gathered his own things, and Porrim frowned as she gathered her own as well. They still weren’t particularly popular, and Cronus was still subject to bullying due to his mother’s profession and what had happened between him and his best friend. Damara had the same labels as Porrim; they were sluts, whores, easy, filthy. Damara had owned it from the start, and Porrim was learning to now as well. You couldn’t change minds, you might as well use it as ammunition against them. Together, they climbed out of the bleachers.

They were greeted by the same group of kids that liked to bully them the most frequently. She didn’t recognize a lot of them herself, but she could see Rufioh amongst their ranks now. The last time she’d seen him, they’d climbed a tree together in the fourth grade. She’d pushed him and he’d fallen out and broken his arm. And now here he was, popular and...cocky. He stood tall, and she realized this must be some kind of initiation for him to actually be a part of them when he stepped forward to Damara. Or maybe this was just about Damara for him.

“Hey, doll. I saw your drawing last period. Think I could take a better look?” He asked, offering a smile that didn’t look right on his face. Something in it made Porrim really want to punch him.

“Look?” Damara asked, feigning innocence as she tilted her head. A couple of the guys circled around them scoffed. Damara smirked and balled her hands into fists in the sides of her skirt. She lifted it about an inch before she spouted something off at them in Japanese. Porrim recognized the phrase and snickered. She’d heard it often; ‘suck my dick, little boy’.

“What’d she say?” Rufioh demanded, attention on Porrim now. She straightened a bit so she stood taller and offered him a smile. Then she repeated the phrase in Spanish and he gave a short laugh. “Think you’re funny, huh?”

“I’d say you do seeing as you laughed, at least I think that’s what that sound was. Though I’m sure you’re going to tell me I’m lying.” She countered, and smiled as Damara turned to clap for her. She slunk over to Porrim’s side like the dangerous snake she could easily be, and no one moved yet.

“You’re kinda cute when you think you’re tough.” Rufioh answered, and she caught the twitch of his eyebrow. He was irritated. She winked at him and he blushed brightly.

“You were kinda cute when we were kids. Then I pushed you out of a tree and stopped that nonsense in its tracks.” She retorted, and this time Cronus chuckled. She felt a brief rush of adrenaline that was accompanied by a boost to her ego. “Guess the lesson in humility didn’t stick, because here we are.” She uncrossed her arms and motioned downwards to the floor they stood on.

“Just show us the picture!” Came a shout, and she was surprised when it didn’t come from Rufioh. It came from one of the original members as they pushed past him. The new enemy was tall and broad. He was built like a house, and Porrim felt a bit of fear. Damara pushed her back, holding the drawing up unrolled like a sacred scroll.

The bully snatched it away and crowded around him to look at it. And they acted exactly how gross middle school boys act. Porrim frowned, turning away in disgust at both having to admit defeat and their behavior. They’d giggled about it earlier, but mostly at the clear fan service Damara had added into it. It wasn’t long before one of them realized the same thing she had, and the pointing started.

“Whoa, do just let her draw you doin’ this shit? I knew you were sick but fuck.” The leader snickered, but Porrim ignored him. She watched Rufioh, staring at the picture and blushing wildly. It made her angrier. She dropped her bag and threw her arms out in exclamation.

“Oh yeah! All the time, believe me.” Porrim started, gaining all of their attention. She walked over and threw her arm around Damara’s waist and tugged her up against her side. “If you’re going to start telling our story, then at least get it right.” Damara smirked and wrapped a leg around her as she dropped her torso back dramatically with a hand pressed to her forehead. Together through shear force of anger and teenage melodrama, Porrim dipped her and kissed her firmly on the lips. Damara lifted her hands up and into her hair, kissing her back. They made a show of the moment before Porrim broke the kiss and pulled Damara back up. The other girl slid her hands around her waist and pressed her face into Porrim’s neck. 

She whispered another phrase Porrim knew. “Own it.”

“Let’s face it.” Porrim looked back up to the bullies, smirk across her face. “The only reason you give a fuck is because you’re jealous there’s two more girls not interested in your dick.” She lifted her free hand and held her finger and thumb together in the pantomime for ‘small’. “Poquito.” 

Cronus burst out laughing behind them, and students who’d stopped to watch the performance started to snicker before laughter erupted when someone repeated the word ‘poquito’. The bully frowned before he flipped them off. He then ripped the drawing up, and let it flutter to the floor before he stormed off. Students dispersed when it was clear everything was over. Damara let go of Porrim, and Porrim smiled as she slapped her ass before going to collect her destroyed drawing. 

Porrim looked up to see two people approaching her. She didn’t recognize the girl. She wore a blue dress, large white framed glasses, and her hair was a short blonde bob cut. Porrim found a small goofy smile spreading across her face as she kept walking closer. She was cute. Then she remembered there was a second person, and Porrim tore her eyes away to see who it was. She groaned and rolled her eyes when she realized it was Rufioh.

“Hey doll, I wanted to say sorry. I didn’t know it was something just between you two.” He started, lifting his hand to scratch the back of his head. She frowned at him.

“Yeah, see. That’s why you don’t just make assumptions. And don’t call me that.” Porrim answered, hand falling to her hip.

“What, ‘doll’? I call everyone ‘doll’.” Rufioh argued, dropping back into the familiar bullheadedness she remembered from their childhood.

“Yeah, that. I didn’t say you could call me that. You don’t get to call me any nicknames because I didn’t consent to that.” Porrim argued, ready to meet this bull head on.

“What the fuck? I came to apologize!” He retorted, stubborn to the end. If he wasn’t such an ass, he might even be cute.

“Then act like it! Besides, what is an apology going to do? He still destroyed her property, and you still acted like a pretentious tool! Don’t apologize, act. Fix this mess, stop acting like a fool, and be a good person!” She shouted, realizing she was quoting her mother word for word. She stood taller, this wisdom of her mother empowering her. She caught the blonde tugging at Rufioh’s sleeve.

“Look, I just came to say sorry. Not get lectured about how I didn’t apologize correctly. Whatever.” Rufioh responded, huffing as he waved her off his arm gently and walked away. Porrim still wanted to punch him as she watched him leave like a protective mother goose.

“He’s really not a bad guy,” A voice stated, and she turned to look at the blonde girl again. The cute blonde girl, with big blue eyes. Porrim blinks her eyes a bit before turning her attention completely to the girl. She was shorter than Porrim, her skin a little pale from spending time indoors, and she had the prettiest smile.

“I’m sorry?” Porrim asked now, remembering she had said something.

“Rufioh. He’s not a bad guy. He just...doesn’t know who he is yet.” She repeated, breaking eye contact with Porrim to look down at the books in her hands.

“Forgive me, but I’ll believe it when I see it. Is he...is he your boyfriend?” Porrim responded, shamelessly fishing for information now.

“No! Oh, no no no. We’re really close, but he’s like a brother to me.” She sputtered to animated embarrassment and Porrim smiled a bit as she watched the blushing girl finally calm back down, and she was graced with eye contact again. “I’m Aranea.” She said now, moving forward to hold out her hand. Porrim smiled at her, taking her hand and shaking it. She may have held on longer than necessary, but Aranea still gave her her phone number and told her she’d like to be friends.

Overall, Porrim considered this to be a win. Especially when Damara joined her side and proclaimed she’d draw a very detailed dick on the wall of the boy’s shower room with the word ‘poquito’ tattooed on it. “His screams of dismay will be payment enough for the drawing.” She’d confirmed in perfect English with a grin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Sleazy" by Kesha


	4. Strangers

“When I wake up all alone,  
And I'm thinking of your skin,  
I remember, I remember what you told me...  
Said that we're not lovers, we're just strangers  
With the same damn hunger;  
To be touched, to be loved, to feel anything at all…”

The next person to join the group was Aranea. She was a little put off by Damara, whom found immense joy in teasing her. And her and Cronus were a little...estranged, but she wasn’t sure why. She wouldn’t know until years later when Cronus told her the truth upon learning it himself. 

But Porrim and Aranea hit it off quite well. Aranea was a quiet girl, unless you asked about a book or even homework at times. Then she could talk your ear off, but it was endearing. She preferred psychology, spiders, or science when it came to nonfiction. Porrim knew for a fact that when it came to nonfiction, the blonde was quite a fan of trashy romance stories. That was also cute. Her favorite color was blue, and she was pretty sure they’d been flirting for a while.

She found out she was right at the end of her seventh grade. They were in the library, hidden in a corner no one went to. They’d managed to convince a sub they needed to go to the library to study and instead they were in the library goofing off. Aranea set close to Porrim, so they could whisper quietly between themselves as they joked about something Damara had said earlier.

Somewhere in all the laughter, Aranea had leaned over and laid her head on Porrim’s shoulder. She could feel her heartbeat freeze the exact moment Aranea did as well. She lifted her head, and their eyes met. When Porrim leaned in to kiss her, Aranea didn’t falter. It was the softest, sweetest first kiss she would ever have. When they broke apart, they smiled and held hands under the table as they kept talking.

From there, the relationship soared. They got along well, she was friends with Porrim’s friends. The blonde beauty had Porrim’s full affections, and she could feel that overwhelming feeling in her chest. She thought it might be love, but she wasn’t sure. She’d never even hidden it from her mother. When the Maryam matriarch caught them kissing she just gave that same cryptic smile. All she was said was “Be happy, mija.”

She gave Aranea everything she had. She devoted that summer to her, spending as much of her time with the other as she could. Though she noticed Aranea more than often wanted to stay at the other’s house, and not her own. Porrim never asked why, blinded by love-tinted glasses. Though, much to Porrim’s disdain, Rufioh sometimes accompanied her. She still didn’t like him, though she could tolerate him when he stood next to his ‘sister’.

But once eighth grade started, Porrim noticed a rift forming between herself and her girlfriend. She still felt that overwhelming feeling in her chest around the other girl. And Aranea still showed her affection, but only when they were hidden away. No more stolen kisses when they were alone in the library. Aranea withdrew into herself, and stuck to Rufioh’s side more and more with every day. She started to worry about her friend.

She knew some of the worry was selfish. She didn’t want to rush anything with Aranea, and she definitely wasn’t ready for anything beyond kissing. But she was selfish for wanting to be next to her all the time, for wanting to be the one Aranea told her secrets to. Over time she started to figure out her girlfriend had a tie to Rufioh she would never understand. It was like a life line she needed constantly. And again it made her wonder about the other girl’s home life that she was ever elusive about. 

They still claimed to be dating in that silly middle school way, or at least Porrim did. She did so happily, deciding that if she needed space then she could do that. She started spending more time with Cronus again, spending time with Aranea when she was asked. She was fine with this.

But the time they spent together slowly regressed into just kissing. Neither tried to go farther, but that’s all Aranea wanted to do. Like she was trying to drown out the rest of the world with Porrim’s lips and skin, and Porrim was at first happy to keep providing that. If she was her anchor, she’d make sure the other never floated away. 

But she missed the talking. She missed listening to stories the other had read, or her own theories on what novels meant because she always had more than one. Eventually she started to feel lonely when she was with Aranea. And finally, she had to voice her concerns.

She waited until they were in her room, lounging on the bed. Aranea had curled up next to her, and they hadn’t spoken since they got home. And she wanted to ask before anything started today. It was important to her.

“Why don’t we talk anymore?” Porrim had asked that day, and Aranea froze. She dropped her eyes and sat up again; Porrim felt her heart seize a bit. “I’m your girlfriend, right? I want to know about your day, what you’ve read, everything.”

“We’re not.” Aranea finally said softly, having been silent for a while. Planning her words, Porrim knew it.

“What?” Porrim asked, even though she knew.

“We’re not...girlfriends. We’re strangers. I like you, but even when we did talk...we didn’t really have anything in common. But you thought I was cute, and that made me feel good about myself. And I just want to feel something, but I don’t. Not with you.” Aranea finally answer, calculated precision in her words. She was always trying to spare everyone’s feelings, but never quite managing to do so.

“Oh...I liked you. A lot.” Porrim answered simply, still watching Aranea not watch her.

“I know. I’m sorry.” Aranea whispered, eyes on her hands.

“It’s okay. That’s how you feel and you can’t change it.” Porrim answered quietly, trying not to cry in front of her. “I understand.”

“I have to go.” Aranea answered, standing and gathering her things. Porrim didn’t stop her as she left her home. She didn't know where she went, she didn't follow her even to the door.

They didn’t really hang out after that. Aranea sat with Rufioh again at lunch, and in the halls it was like Aranea was a ghost. She only caught flashes and glances of her, and she knew the other was avoiding her. She didn’t really understand why, they could have still tried to be friends. But she left it alone regardless.

Cronus was there still, and so was Damara. She did still have friends, and yes this entire dilemma with Aranea had hurt her. But she knew it didn’t do any good to hold onto things. And she should practice what she preached to her best friend all the time. 

Just before she got out for summer that year, before she transitioned to high school, she got a letter that made her feel so much better. Meenah was coming back home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Strangers" by Halsey feat. Lauren Jauregui


	5. Don't Stop The Music

“Do you know what you started?  
I just came here to party,  
But now we're rocking on the dance floor, actin' naughty.  
Your hands around my waist,  
Just let the music play;  
We're hand in hand, chest to chest and now we're face to face…”

The summer before Porrim Maryam started high school, her best friend came home. She had picked up a bit of an accent that she loved to emphasize to pick at her mother. And it was honestly like she’d never left. They were back to spending almost every waking moment together, and they did still run around their old haunts as kids.

But one thing she learned over that brief period was that Cronus and Meenah did not get along. It was like how Meenah and Damara couldn’t stand each other. They just didn’t like one another, but Porrim thought Meenah was being protective of her. But so was Cronus, possibly worried he’d lose her friendship.  
Freshman year started, and the unlikely and constantly squabbling group still sat together. Damara stilled joined them occasionally, but she’d begun skipping lunch more frequently. She’d told Porrim she had a boyfriend, but she would never tell her who. She’d eventually figured out it was Rufioh when she saw them sneaking away one day. To each their own, but if he ever hurt her Porrim would be tempted to push him out of another tree.

One great thing about Meenah being back was that no one bothered her or Cronus anymore. Her childhood best friend was one of the richest girls in their school. And ‘no one bothers money’ Meenah constantly reassured them.

It almost meant they could crash parties they had no chance of getting invited to with ease. One of her favorite memories with Meenah was one of these times.  
Cronus had opted to stay home, and Damara had cryptically told them she was already invited. Porrim hadn’t told anyone else who her boyfriend was, but she knew it made sense. Rufioh was popular mostly because of his looks, his father’s legacy, and his bold confidence. Porrim didn’t fully believe he meant anything he did though. But Porrim eagerly agreed to go with Meenah. It’d been a while since they’d had a moment to unwind just them.

So later in the week, on Friday night, Porrim left for a sleepover at Meenah’s. They got ready at her house, then they left without question from Meenah’s parents. The party was a few blocks from their street, so it didn’t take long to get there. They walked in easily, immediately met with loud music, smoke, and the noticeable smell of alcohol.

Meenah left and returned quickly with a couple of drinks she mixed for them. Porrim smiled at the drink; it’d be her first taste of alcohol. She sipped at it, leaning against a wall with the other girl, heads leaned close so they could mock several of the people there as they people watched. When her drink was gone, she realized she might be a little drunk. Not enough that she could talk, stand, or move; just enough to feel a little more confident in her choices.

That was when Meenah pulled her out to the makeshift dance floor. Porrim felt briefly embarrassed that she’d never attempted to dance at a school dance before, but it was the same girl she’d shoved into mud pits before. She was less embarrassed.

Together they swayed together to the music. Meenah turned down anone that asked to dance with her, stating she was here with her friend and that’s how it would stay before returning to dance hand in hand with Porrim. And it did. Eventually, Meenah had her arms around Porrim’s waist as they moved to the thumping beat together, laughing at nothing but the small bit of alcohol and the way they were dancing.

When a slower song came on, Meenah let go of her to give a half-hearted bow before offering her hand. Porrim took it, and she was immediately spun around and dipped. They laughed a bit before Meenah put her hands on her waist and the other settled her arms on her shoulders in return.  
That was when Damara snuck up to them and held a rolled bit of paper between them.

“Quit making eyes at each other. Smoke with me.” The intruder stated, and Meenah frowned as she turned to her.

“I wanna tell yo’ to fuck off, but shell yeah I wanna smoke with you. Just don’t talk to much, you trash talking bitch.” Meenah answered honestly, not as hostile as she normally was to the other.

“Only asking you because you’re here with her. Part of the package. Follow me.” Damara answered, her own twisted grin across her lips. She turned, and Porrim grabbed a hold of Meenah’s hand as they followed the other Freshman to a room. When they entered, they could see there were other small groups broken up and smoking together. In the corner of the room was Rufioh. With him were two other boys; one with longer hair pulled back into a ponytail with a shy smile, and other was a boy with wild curly hair and a blank look on his face.

Damara led them over to the group, dropping herself down into Rufioh’s lap on the beanbag chair he was lounging in. The boy with the ponytail looked away from the couple, smiling up at Meenah and Porrim instead.

“Damara said she was bringing friends. It’s nice to meet you. I’m Horuss.” He greeted them, and Porrim smiled down at him.

“I’m Porrim, and this is Meenah.” She answered immediately, deciding she could ignore Rufioh is this boy was here. He was a gentleman, and it counteracted the dickish behavior she’d seen in Rufioh back in middle school. He looked around quickly, scrambling up off the love seat he was planted on next to the third mysterious member. 

“Here, take my seat. I can take the floor.” Horuss smiled politely and she smiled back at him. 

“Thank you, sweetie.” She said immediately, taking the offered seat so she didn’t offend him. Besides, she really didn’t want to sit on the floor in her skirt; who knew what’s been spilled on it tonight.

“I don’t give a fuck where I sit, so long as someone lights somethin’ soon.” Meenah barked out, settling on the floor in front of Porrim. She heard what might have been a chuckle from the boy sitting next to her, and she turned in time to see him lift his hands and make some gestures. 

“Kurloz says he agrees. Come of Damz, light it.” Rufioh answered, and it clicked in. Oh, that was why he hadn’t said anything. And he hadn’t seen Meenah’s lips when she spoke, so he must be mute. She felt the sudden urge to learn more about him.

Damara lit the joint, and slowly it made its way around. Meenah clearly knew what she was doing already, and showed Porrim before it was handed to her. She took a hesitant hit off it, breathing in the smoke deeply as she’d been instructed. Then she held it for as long as she could, before turning to offer it to Kurloz now. He finally made eye contact with her and smiled brightly, brushing his fingers along hers as he took the joint. When he winked at her, she almost forgot how to breathe. But the smoke in her lungs wouldn’t let her forget and she started coughing heavily. 

Kurloz lit up in amusement, balancing the joint between his lips as he patted her back gently. He passed it back around before digging through his pockets and finding the flip phone with a confident smile. He tapped at the buttons quickly, before holding it out to Porrim. She took it and noticed he’d written in a memo.  
‘First hit’s the motherfuckin hardest. It gets easier.’ She read it, before smiling over at him in return. She took it and typed her own response: her new cell phone number. He smiled widely at her, nodding before returning his attention to the group.

They talked quietly amongst themselves about common topics of teenagers. Who was dating who, the latest gossip, how far they thought the football team would get this year. Eventually if fell on the topic of the group’s love lives. Meenah stated she’d never been with anyone, not really caring about the whole ordeal herself. Horuss stated he had someone he liked, but that was all. Kurloz just smiled cryptically in response, shrugging in response. Porrim stated she’d only dated one person, if you could really count it.

“Who, Cronus?” Rufioh asked her, seeming a little curious in the topic. 

“No. Cronus and I are just friends, and we always will be. Besides, we both know who it was. You escorted us a few places.” Porrim responded, trying to keep from really saying to much on it. It wasn’t just her involved, and she wasn’t going to tell anyone if Aranea didn’t want her to. Rufioh caught on though, looking a bit entertained.

“Huh. She never mentioned that.” He answered finally, and she admitted to herself it stung a little bit.”I would have thought you two were dating.” He finished, nodding to Meenah. Porrim noticed he didn’t once refer to her as ‘doll’.

Porrim and Meenah turned to look at each other before snickering quietly between themselves. She thought it was the funniest thing in the world, and so did the blonde between her legs on the floor. The small sounds of snickering became loud and rebellious laughter.

“What, no! We’ve been friends forever, but it’s never been like that.” Porrim finally got out after a few deep breaths.

“Yeah! Here, we’ll prove it.” Meenah responded, flipping around and leaning up and quickly catching Porrim’s lips in her own. The kiss lasted for a few seconds before she pulled back. They looked into each other’s eyes before bursting into giggles again. “Nah, man. Sea, nothin.”

“Agreed.” Porrim answered as Meenah resumed her former position. 

Damara laughed loudly before pulling out another joint and they began the routine again. Eventually they went back home, stumbling through yards and giggling quietly between them. When they arrived back at Meenah’s and started to get settled in, Porrim heard her cell phone. She retrieved it and found a text. She opened it up to see it was from an unknown number and it was simple. Just a word and an emoticon.

‘HI :O)’

She fell asleep that night with a smil, deciding she would respond in the morning.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Don't Stop The Music" by Rihanna


	6. Hook Me Up

“Sometimes,  
I want to disappear some place,   
But I don't want to stay too long.  
Sometimes,  
I'm feeling so alone,  
Trying to fit in where I don't belong.  
Hook....hook me up!  
I want to feel the rain in my hair.  
Hook....hook me up!  
Where should we go?  
I don't even care,  
Anywhere is good enough…”

Porrim and Kurloz began texting almost every day. It didn’t take long before they also began confiding in each other emotions that neither could really explain but that together they could weave words to explain them. The occasional feeling of still not belonging, the moments of loneliness they both felt in crowds. She learned he was, ironically, a musician. He had many a song written, even coaxing her into singing a few of them for him. It’d be a few years yet until the world really got to hear him, but he loved the way she sang his words. She loved the way his music touched her soul. 

Slowly she began to feel more comfortable in her skin. She starting making choices for herself more, instead of making choices based on how others would react. Her friends really helped her in the hard times to find that tiny flame inside of her again and fan it back into existence. She smoked weed more often, sometimes skipping a few of her less important classes to smoke with Kurloz out on the currently abandoned baseball field. She started planning for her future, what she needed to do to go to college. She wanted to eventually own her own tattoo parlor.

The rest of freshman year she devoted to her friends and getting to know Kurloz, and the start of sophomore year she realized there was someone she actually had feelings for. Or at the very least, really wanted to. She hadn’t felt that desire since Aranea, and she was glad to see it come back. She wanted to be closer to him all the time, and he’d even started joining her and her friends for lunch. He was soon accepted into their ranks, and she suspected everyone there had grilled him on his intentions before he ever tried to progress things. She really did have the best friends.

After school one day, he asked to walk her home. Meenah had gotten them a ride that day, but when Porrim had chosen to walk home instead she was met with waggling eyebrows before Meenah hugged her and left. She must have already known. She met up with Kurloz and they walked quietly, phones out as they texted back and forth quietly.

‘REMEMBER HOW YOU SAID YOU DON’T ALWAYS FEEL LIKE YOU BELONG?’ He sent, and she quirked an eyebrow at him before she answered quietly out loud.

“Yes?” She asked, curiosity dripping from her lips as she said it.

‘WELL I DON’T MOTHERFUCKIN EITHER. NOT UNLESS YOU’RE THERE.’ He sent now, smiling over at her slightly as she blushed brightly. Her phone buzzed again and she looked down at it again. ‘WANNA GO OUT TONIGHT? JUST US.’

“Yes.” She answered, blushing even brighter.

‘ALRIGHT COOL. I’LL SEE YOU AT 7.’ He sent again, smiling over at her. He stopped and offered her his hand. She took it silently, still blushing at the question.   
He walked her home, giving her a tight hug before he left to his own house just down the street. She felt the smile that was spreading across her face before she hurried inside and up the stairs to her room to get ready. She had a date. A real date, going out with someone and actually being seen together. She wondered what he had in mind, but she honestly didn’t care if they just went to a park and got high in one of the towers on the playground. Hell, they didn’t even have to get high. It would just be the two of them, so she’d already feel like she was.

She was ready by 7:00 exactly. She’d dressed simply; a pair of dark skinny jeans with it’s fair share of holes, a dark green sweater with a plunging neckline, topped by a small black leather vest. She had no idea what they were doing, so she wore her boots and grabbed a jacket. She waited anxiously at the door and the knock almost startled her as she moved for it quickly. Her mother was a kind woman, but she would delay their date. She’d rather wait for them to meet just a little longer.

“Bye Mama! I’m going out!” She shouted as she slipped out the door and in front of Kurloz. He smiled a bit before he waved lazily. He’d dressed simple as well. Jeans, purple shirt, and his favorite skeleton hoodie. She immediately felt better before silently reminding herself that didn’t need to worry so much about it. He coughed and she smiled as he pulled her back out of her mind and she met his eyes. He held out his hand and she took it immediately. 

“Do I get a clue to where we’re going?” She asked, knowing full well he couldn’t really answer her right now. He grinned at her before lifting his other hand up to make the common shush gesture. She laughed a little. “I don’t know if you’re telling me it’s a surprise, or if you’re telling me to be quiet. Which is it, one or two?” He held up three fingers and she laughed. “I see how it is.”

But she did let that same comfortable silence fall over them again as he led her along to the park. She almost sent herself into giggles, finding the accidental fortune telling humorous. Though they didn’t stop at the playground; instead he led her along a small path into the sparsely wooded area. Before the trees really started to thicken, he turned their path to walk alongside the real treeline. 

They stopped a set of larger trees, and he pointed up. In the tree was a treehouse, almost perfectly hidden by the branches. He let go of her hand to retrieve his phone to type a message to her. 

‘FOUND IT LAST SUMMER. I COME HERE TO THINK.’ She read it over before she brightened a bit.

“You are the second person to show me a little hide away since I started...middle school. Thank you for trusting me.” She answered, smiling up at him. He looked a little embarrassed before he wrote out another message.

‘I’VE SHOWN YOU MY MUSIC, BABYGIRL. DON’T GET MORE TRUST THAN THAT WHEN IT COMES TO ME.’ She blushed now, before handing the phone back. He quickly type a message to her. ‘THIS PLACE COOL?’

“Yes. It’s perfect. Come on now, let’s climb up there!” She turned and hurried to the steps. When up in the treehouse, she found it was roomier than it looked. It clearly had some work done on it, so he must come here a lot. He joined her shortly after, and they leaned against each other to look out what was considered the window. 

They sat and talked. Or the way they talked. He taught her a little bit of sign language, and she vowed she would one day be fluent so they could talk easier. They got high, and before the end of their time out they heard the low rumble of thunder in the distance. They climbed back down, getting ready to head back home when that rumble of thunder grew louder. Porrim realized that the storm had been closer than they thought. Halfway back out of the park it started to rain.

They didn’t hurry still, running and playing in the gentle shower even though the clouds above them threatened them with more and they both wanted to spend as much time together. They stopped on her doorstep, underneath the small covered porch. They laughed a little bit together before he leaned in and kissed her without hesitation. She hummed, melting in against him and returning it contently. They broke apart to breathe a bit before he leaned in again to peck her lips. He waved goodbye and hurried back off to his own house. She slipped back inside to be greeted by her worried mother. 

“I’m fine, Mama.” Porrim insisted as the Maryam matriarch swopped in with a towel to dry her off.

“Just to be sure. Did you have fun, mija?” Her mother asked quietly, stepping back when Porrim took over drying her own hair off.

“Yes I did.” Porrim answered, smiling to herself.

“Well, next time I should meet him,” came the answer before her mother left to head back into the kitchen. Judging from the smell, she must be baking again.

Porrim went to bed contently, texting Kurloz until she fell asleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Hook Me Up" by The Veronicas


	7. It's All Your Fault

“I'm trying to figure out what else to say,  
To make you turn around and come back this way.  
I feel like we could be really awesome together,  
So make up your mind cause it's now or never.  
It's all your fault,  
You called me beautiful!  
You turned me out,  
And now I can't turn back.  
I hold my breath,  
Because you were perfect.  
But I'm running out of air,  
And it's not fair…”

Porrim and Kurloz had been seeing each other for a while, and everything was going fine. He claimed her as his girlfriend, not hiding her away, and she appreciated that. She w -They’d had their first kiss on their first date, and he never pressured her into anything else. She appreciated it, and when she felt comfortable enough, they progressed things even farther. She embraced her sexuality and found it almost empowering for her.

Until the broken condom, of course. Neither had noticed the night it happened, but they had noticed the next morning. She was in a bit of a panic, anxiety nibbling at the edges of her mind as she constantly worried. She did her own research, knowing already that the sex ed they’d received had been terrible and incredibly minimalist, and learned she had to wait at least a month to know. 

That month was long, drawn out, and almost painful. Kurloz was kind, at her side every possible second he could be. He offered supported, sneaking her notes or texts in class to remind her everything would be okay. He loved her, he’d told her so, and she believed him. She loved him too.

But after that month, Kurloz brought over a home test and she went into the bathroom in a whirlwind of anxiety and nerves. She opened it, followed the instructions, and waited the appropriate amount of time. When she saw the very clear plus sign, she slid down the wall to cry quietly. 

As tears silently slid down her cheeks, she thought about her options. Of course she’d done research on that too. She didn’t want an abortion; she had nothing against them and supported them completely, but she wasn’t sure if she could handle it herself. She was already a mess of emotions, and she didn’t want to tack on any additional stress. And she would stress about the money, or where she could go. What if her mother didn’t support it? 

Her mind fell to adoption, and she found it just a little more favorable. She could help someone have a family that couldn’t themselves. It felt noble, and she’d almost talked herself all the way into it when there came a knock at the door. Then she remembered Kurloz was there and she felt the tears building up. What if he didn’t agree? What if he wouldn’t want to stay with her through this whole thing? She took a deep breath and a loud sob escaped her.

He must have heard the sound, and soon the door opened cautiously and Kurloz took a few steps in. He glanced to the counter and saw the white stick lying there. He leaned over it, before turning to look at her. When he saw that she was crying, he sat down in front of her and with gentle hands guided her into his lap and into his arms. She finally let herself cry, giving herself up to the emotions.

“I don’t know what to do, Kurloz...I’m pregnant and you’re going to leave me, and my mother is going to be so disappointed. And what about college?” She started to ramble concerns and worries, slowly working herself into a bigger and bigger ball of scribbling energy. 

She could feel a tightness in her chest, like it suddenly someone was sitting on her chest. She wanted to breathe so desperate she tried to get whatever it was off her so she could. Kurloz wrapped his fingers around her wrists gently, pulling them away from her chest when she tried to claw frantically at it in her attempt to try and breathe. He lifted them up and pressed soft kisses to her wrists. She watched him do so before he he pulled her into a hug.

He held her tightly, rubbing comfortable circles along her back to help ease her back into calm. They stayed there for at least an hour, and by then she was no longer sobbing. Just stuttery sniffles and quiet sounds of worry. He pulled back and kissed her forehead lovingly. He lifted his hands to sign to her.

‘NO MATTER WHAT, I’M NOT MOTHERFUCKIN GOIN’ ANYWHERE. I LOVE YOU, REMEMBER?’ He told her with a soft smile. That same smile he always held for her. She realized she’d gotten worked up into an anxiety attack for no reason and she offered him a smile before he kissed her gently. 

“I love you too.” She whispered against his lips.

The entire situation was the realest thing she’d ever felt, but she was surprised by how much support she got from everyone. Neither of their parents seemed too thrown off, her mother even making a doctor’s appointment for her immediately. Maybe they were good at hiding it, and if that was the case she was thankful for it. 

As the months passed, and after a few doctor’s visits, she was leaning towards keeping her baby, their baby. When she’d gingerly approached the subject with Kurloz, he just smiled and kissed her. He’d signed the words ‘WE’LL BE THE BEST MOTHERFUCKIN FAMILY THAT EVER EXISTED.’ She believed him; together they could do anything in this world. She was four months along, and she’d started to look forward to their little life together.

Everything was going fine until she woke up in the middle of the night to blinding pain. She sat up and ripped her blankets away to find a pool of blood between her thighs and she screamed for her mother.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "It's All Your Fault" by P!nk


	8. Big Girls Don't Cry

“I hope you know, I hope you know,  
That this has nothing to do with you.  
It's personal: myself and I.  
We've got some straightenin' out to do.  
And I'm gonna miss you like a child misses their blanket,  
But I've got to get a move on with my life.  
It's time to be a big girl now.  
And big girls don't cry…”

Porrim didn’t remember much from that night. She couldn’t remember details at least, and she couldn’t remember anything outside of her and the sudden loss she felt. She didn’t remember her mother calling for an ambulance or calling the Makaras. She couldn’t remember the ride to the hospital, but she could remember a hand in her grasping fingers and crying. If she thought hard enough, she could still feel those tears running down her cheeks.

She could remember there was blood and screaming, and she without a doubt that it had come from her. She knew, and she sunk into herself. She absorbed the bare minimum of her surroundings as a wave of mourning crashed into her. She could still hear the voices at the hospital, not quite sure which came from who; ‘miscarriage, ‘it happens’, ‘Sorry for your loss’. The hardest was ‘are you okay?’

Was she okay? She didn’t know, really. She felt hollow inside, like she was missing a part of her. She acknowledged she was grieving, of course she was. That was normal. ‘It happened.’ She was doomed to miss someone she never got to meet outside of her dreams. But that single question echoed in her mind for months, and she never had an answer for it.

Kurloz was kind, trying his best to support her. But he didn’t know what to do either, trapped under his own mourning weight. He was quieter, sharing fewer words with her beyond ‘I LOVE YOU’. Cronus and Meenah tried to help as well, but she just didn’t have it in her to go out anymore. Not for a while at least. She didn’t even want to shower, dreading having to leave her bed at all every day. She missed school, and her grades started to slip. Damara was the one to coax her out of the shell she’d encased herself in first. Of course, she did so with drugs and the promise of not having to talk at all. Which in itself was amazing to Porrim; she knew the other was experiencing her own troubles currently with Rufioh and Horuss. Though it started with the promise of not having to talk, they both did eventually. It ended with both of them crying.

Meenah and Cronus worked together with minimal bickering to get her to start taking care of herself again. They got her to find an interest in eating again, in showering and doing her makeup. Meenah even brushed her hair at one point. She loved her friends, and under that fog of misery she’d almost forgotten it. She started going to school, and she found rumors had spread again. Though instead of sneers and smirks, she received kinds words and gentle gestures of encouragement. It was almost overwhelming, and few times she’d had to skip class to hide somewhere and cry quietly. One interaction always stuck with her. She’d snuck off to hide on that old basefield field. She laid out on the ground, watching the sky as she cried quietly about a bouquet of flowers she’d received from Horuss earlier in the day. She was so lost in thought, she didn’t hear the footsteps approaching. But she did hear someone settle down next to her. She almost worried it was a teacher until a hand hovered in front of her face offering a joint.

She sat up, wiping at her eyes before turning to look at who was attached to that disembodied hand. Her eyes widened a bit when she realized it was Rufioh. He offered a hesitant smile before lighting the joint and passing it to her. She waited a second before she took it from him.

“You’re hiding again.” Rufioh stated, turning to stare out of the field as they found a rhythm.

“Why do you care?” Porrim asked quietly, voice a little hoarse from lack of use.

“I don’t know.” Rufioh answered, shrugging a bit. She felt honesty drip from his words when he continued. “We’ve never really liked each other. You were only civil because I was dating Damara. But I fucked that up, so here I am. And I know why you’re here. Figured it wouldn’t hurt to be high and sad together…”

“You really did fuck that up.” Porrim agreed before offering a faint smile. “But you can acknowledge you did, so you’re not beyond hope.”

“That’s the nicest order of those words you’ve ever said said to me.” He answered, smile quirking at the edges of his lips. They sat in silence for a while before he spoke again. “Think if I did that more, we could be friends? Acknowledging I’m a fuck up?”

“No.” She answered, before she thought about how to phrase the rest of her thought when he almost sunk down. She hadn’t meant to be so dismissive. “You can’t just admit you’re a fuck up. You should try and fix it. You should enjoy your life and how you’re living in it, apologize for your mess ups and make amends. Then we could be friends.”

“Alright. Sounds fair.” He answered before they heard the bell ring in the distance. “Come on. We should go back. Gotta stop hiding.” He helped her up, and waited for her. They walked back together and went their separate ways again.

The strange interaction made her consider how’d she’d been behaving the last few months. She’d put her friends through just as much sadness, and that made her heart clench with guilt. She needed to really apologize to them for that, and thank Damara for breaking the spell in her own unorthodox way. She should also thank Horuss for the flowers, and Rufioh for making her realize how stupid she had been.

She also needed to talk to Kurloz. Being around each other made them too sad. She thought it would be best for both of them if they took a break from each other for a while. She hoped he would understand, but she had a journey she needed to travel and she really needed to go it alone.

They needed to heal, and they couldn’t do it together. They were just two open wounds bleeding profusely, and they each needed to be tended to in their own ways. She just hoped it wouldn’t be the end of them because she did love him with everything she had. 

But neither of them deserved to be in pain for the other to heal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Big Girls Don't Cry" by Fergie


	9. Don't Speak

“You and me,  
We used to be together,  
Everyday together,  
Always.  
I really feel,  
That I'm losing my best friend.  
I can't believe,  
This could be the end…”

Porrim sat in that treehouse with Kurloz, neither moving or budging. She’d proposed they take a break from one another to heal a few months ago. She’d begun taking care of herself and her friends again, doing the things she told herself she needed to do. She was determined this entire situation would not ruin the future she saw for herself. And this was the first time they’d been together since that day she’d sat on the baseball field with Rufioh.

And it was everything she had been dreading. Neither had much to say, and neither could really meet the other’s eyes. It didn’t use to be like this, but she supposed those statistics were right after all. A miscarriage usually did tear apart lives and relationships. Sometimes it brought couples closer together but this wasn’t one of those times.

She was overwhelmingly sad about losing him, but she didn’t feel that edge of anxiety. This was supposed to happen. They’d stood side by side as they had a burial for someone they couldn’t really bury. They’d chosen the name ‘Joy’; Kurloz had mentioned it when they found out she was a girl. She had felt a sense of irony, standing in all black in front of the tombstone as she felt like every last drop of joy had been sucked from her. Kurloz had just held her hand and cried quietly.

Now was very similar, a new kind of mourning. The end of a time, the end of a love they’d thought invulnerable to everything the world could have thrown at it. He held her hand now too, and they held on for as long as they could as the winds of change prepared to rip them apart.

“I’m sorry--” She started, and he held up a hand to sign one handed.

‘I KNOW. LET’S JUST PRETEND A LITTLE LONGER.’ He answered, offering her such a sorrowful smile she felt her heart breaking again.

“Okay.” She agreed, before moving forward and sitting in his lap. He wrapped her up in his arms and held her tightly. She clung to his shirt, and she could feel when he started crying. She wrapped her arms around him, rubbing soft circles along his back like he’d always down for her. She offered comfort now.

She hated this, every second of breaking his heart. She hated having to rip her own heart out a second time, but their combined lingering misery was too much for their relationship to take. This way, they could hopefully heal to completion and maybe become friends again. Because she didn’t want to lose one of her best friends because the universe was cruel.

“Promise me we’ll still be friends. It doesn’t have to be now. But promise we’ll still be friends later.” She asked him quietly, not wanting to move. “I can’t lose you twice, Kurloz.” He just nodded against the top of her head and as he continued to hold onto her tightly. 

They eventually pulled apart. She pressed gentle kisses on his cheeks below his eyes and over the thin lines of wetness from where his tears fell. He pressed soft kisses to her own, before they finally left that treehouse. It would be the last time she was there for a long time.

He walked her home. They held hands the whole way, not letting go or hurrying when they heard a rumble of thunder before rain started pouring down on them. He stopped in front of his house, and she turned to look at him curiously. Before she could say anything, he leaned in and kissed her. It was light, hesitant, lingering; it was a goodbye kiss and she returned it with the same amount of feelings behind it. 

Then he let go of her hand, waved, and headed back to his own doorstep. She felt like he was ripping out her heart as he walked away, and she knew he didn’t mean to. Neither really wanted this, but they had to do it.

She turned and went home. When she stepped through the door, her mother was waiting with a towel again. She broke down finally, letting it all out. She just wanted her mother to hold her and tell her it would all be okay. And she did just that, rocking gently with her and giving soft shushing sounds and words of love. 

Porrim soaked in the promises she was given, that everything would eventually be okay again. She needed them right now.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Don't Speak" by No Doubt


	10. Let 'Em Talk

“Don't let those losers take your magic, baby, yeah!  
Shake that ass, don't care if they talk about it!  
Fuck all that, haters, just forget about 'em!  
Woah...just let 'em talk about it.  
Woah...just let 'em talk about it.  
Do your thing, don't care if we make 'em jealous!  
We're the kings, life is just our party palace!  
Woah...just let 'em talk about it.”

Senior year had gone by quickly. It was a haze of emotions as well. She’d gone to few parties, and she and Kurloz were friends again. They acted like they’d never dated, but it wasn’t in a bad way. More of an understanding that what happened happened, and they started over again. She’d also noticed Meulin take an interest in him, and Porrim encouraged it.

She’d reached her own level of infamy in school. She was the girl who overcame everything. She had even overcome her initial feelings for the school’s most popular punk. Rufioh Nitram had taken her words to heart, even taking control of his life and making amends like she had told him to. He still seemed a little hesitant in his actions, but he seemed to have a little confidence of his own now.

After graduation, she got her letter of acceptance from the local college. Her mother had saved money up for her for a good start, but she had to eventually make money. Seeing as she was eighteen, she had an idea.

Aranea’s mother, Minerva Serket, ran a strip club called The Marquise. She was eighteen, the legal age to strip. And she’d worked hard to finally have the body confidence to even consider this to be an option, so she was excited. She got a ride from Meenah for the interview, agreeing she would call the other when she was through. She was a little nervous, but she knew it was just interview jitters.

She walked inside the building, and she was directed to the office on the second floor. She climbed the stairs, following signs to a small waiting room. She was surprised at the only other person sitting down in there currently.

“Rufioh?” She asked, moving over to sit next to him. He’d been filling out a form and he jumped a bit.

“Whoa, wasn’t expecting you.” He answered after he looked up at her. He was smiling, and she could see why everyone had found him handsome. If his personality had been a little kinder, maybe she would have thought so then to.

“Well, to be fair, I didn’t expect to see you here either.” She teased lightly, settling into her seat to wait.

“Want me to make things weirder? Dams just went in for her interview. I’m actually already done with that, just filling out the paperwork now.” Rufioh grinned a little, before he returned to filling out the form. She let silence over take them for a second

“Was it tough?” She asked quietly, and he shook his head lightly.

“Nah. Ms. Serket is really nice. She and my dad are real close…” He answered, trailing off as he scribbled something down. “Beside, doll, no matter what job it is you’ll be good at it.” She frowned, and he looked at her as if he sensed her displeasure. “Ah shit, I’m sorry. I’m working on it.”

“That’s good.” She said now, smiling at him finally. She hadn’t expected the immediate apology. “So what are you applying as?”

“Well, I came to see if maybe I could be a bouncer. Maybe bartend. Ended up with something else entirely.” He answered, finishing up the paperwork and setting the pen down on the clipboard.

“And what’s that?” She asked, intrigued. 

“An escort. Minerva said there’s lots of nice, rich old folks that just want company to go out to eat and what not. I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to, and she screens all the clients before hand. And I’ve always been good at being charming….least that’s what everyone’s always telling me.” He answered and she stared at him with slightly astonished eyes. He’d almost completely overhauled his personality. She smiled a bit at him when he blushed a bit. “Maybe I shouldn’t. Everyone is going to talk, you know?”

“Rufioh, would you like to know what I learned in high school aside from ridiculously complicated math I will probably never use?” She asked him, smiling wider when he nodded. She pretended to look around before leaning in to whisper to him. “Let them talk. They’re going to talk anyway, and you shouldn’t let faceless people ruin what you enjoy.” He stared at her a bit before he smiled and nodded a bit.

“Thanks…I. I really needed that.” He answered, looking away as a blush crossed his cheeks. “So, uh...are we friends now?” He asked the question hesitantly. It was her to to smile and look embarrassed.

“Yes, Rufioh. We’re friends.” She answered and he beamed a bit. 

“Cool.” He answered, and before they could talk more the door opened. Damara strode out, still as confident in Porrim’s eyes as she’d always been. An older blonde woman followed her to the door. She looked Porrim over and nodded. 

“Alright, come on. Aren’t you Rosa’s kid?” The woman, Minerva she guess, asked as she stepped aside to hold the door open. Porrim smiled her brightest, nodding briefly to Rufioh before she answered.

“Yes ma’am.” Porrim answered, and Minerva looked disgruntled.

“Call me Minerva. Or boss. Either works. But don’t call me ma’am. Now get in here. I’ve got some basic questions for you.” She responded as she ushered Porrim into her office. The blonde woman turned to Rufioh now. “You finished?” At his nod she held out her hand. “Give me the paperwork, and give her the clipboard. You start tomorrow at six o’clock.”

She took the paperwork from him, and headed into the office. The interview was pretty standard, and there were a few things Minerva covered in bonus. She hosted self defense classes every Tuesday, and every employee had to attend it at least once. If anyone touched her, they would be removed from the club immediately if she wanted them to be. She kept all her tips, and she was welcome to pick up shifts whenever she could. Needless to say, Porrim took the job and remained optimistic. At least she knew she already enjoyed her boss.

She found she loved stripping, and Minerva ran a tight ship on security. Anyone caught breaking rules was first warned by the dancers, and immediately removed it they didn’t heed it or if they gave enough reason the first time. Porrim attended every single self-defense class, finding confidence in herself once again. She could afford college, and even a small apartment so she had her own space. She needed the hands on practice of adulthood, especially if she wanted to be able to run her own business later.

She also rebuilt a friendship with Damara, finding comfort in the fact that when she started this admittedly bold choice in first jobs she at least started with an old friend. If there was anyone else who felt the thrill of that stage, it was Damara. And Porrim was thankful she had learned unwavering confidence from her, and even more grateful she had finally learned how to really embrace it.

And of course she made new friends too. Both in college and at work, she never felt alone in a room. She thought maybe it was because she’d learned confidence in herself, or maybe it was just that fact that she was out of high school. That was a big part of it, though she could never really resent those times because they had taught her forgiveness. 

So she let finally let herself become friends with Rufioh, and they became close quickly. She wasn’t quite sure why she’d disliked him so much in the first place at times, and she had to remind herself that he’d really made a lot of progress since she’d last seen him. He was a little hesitant in his actions nowadays, but he was more mindful of those same actions. She appreciated it.

At one point he brought up wanting to move out of his dad’s home, and she’d offered him her spare bedroom. She could remember the conversation.

“Move in with me.” She’d said simply before she took a sip of the drink she held. Rufioh, on the other hand, choked on his.

“What now?” He asked when he’d regained his composure.

“Move. In. With. Me. I thought I was pretty clear there, dear.” She teased, throwing him a wink as she leaned back in her chair. They were in the break room of the Marquise. He’d just got back from a date, and she’d gone on break. So they started talking again. “I have a spare room, it’ll make both of our rent cheaper, and you’ll have your own space without having to pay a lot of mind of when you get home. Or when you want to do anything for that matter. Bonus, it’s close to work. So, move in with me.”

“Okay.” He answered quietly, nodding a bit as if under some sort of spell. She quirked an eye at him and he smiled a bit. “But what do I tell my Dad? Moving in with an unmarried woman and all that.”

“The truth. We’re friends, and it’s the best deal. You’re old enough to fly on your own, and I’m sure he’s going to be fine with it. If anyone understands remaining close friends with someone of the opposite gender without crossing lines, it’s him.” She answered quickly, smirking back at him. She sat up again and leaned in against him a bit. “But what are you going to tell your friends?”

“You’re my friend, Por. Let ‘em talk, that’s what you said right? We know the truth.” Rufioh teased back as he let her lean against him on the couch.

“You really do learn quickly, don’t you?” She asked before she leaned it and pressed a light kiss to his cheek. The way she kissed Cronus and Meenah, even Kurloz and Damara. She loved all of her friends.

“Gotta fix it when you mess up, right? I got a few years to make up for. But I’m doing better...at least I think so…” He started strong, trailing off a bit with his doubt.

“You are.” She reaffirmed, patting at his knee gently with her hand. “So, when are you moving in?” 

They discussed as much as they could before she had to go back out. He moved in two weeks later.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Let 'Em Talk" by Kesha


	11. Hella Good

“A performance deserving of standing ovations,  
And who would have thought it'd be the two of us.  
So don't wake me if I'm dreaming,  
'Cause I'm in the mood come on and give it up.  
You've got me feeling hella good,   
So let's just keep on dancing.  
You hold me like you should,   
So I'm gonna keep on dancing…”

Porrim had been living with Rufioh for a few years now. He was a fantastic roommate, honestly. He cleaned up after himself, and he cooked. He’d also pick up groceries without having to be told to. He was great company as well.

She’d graduated college fairly easily, and she had a degree in business that hung in her office currently. She had working on her apprenticeship and her own portfolio the entire time she’d been going to school. So as soon as she had walked across that stage, she had already set her plans into motion. She quit stripping and Minerva provided her with a loan to set up a small studio downtown, and she had been paying it off slowly. The Serket matriarch was in no hurry for the money; every other month Porrim received an anonymous check in her mail. She suspected her old boss was giving her money back.

She ran a fairly steady business. Enough so that she’d been able to hire on additional help. Kurloz and Cronus now worked with her. They were currently apprentices, but they’d had their fair share of experience now so they wouldn’t remain that way much longer. Kurloz was insanely good with a tattoo gun, and Cronus was good at piercings. He’d done most of Porrim’s for her, actually. She’d let him practice on her she had practiced on him as well. Kurloz had done a lot of her tattoos that she couldn’t do herself.

And tonight, both her and her courteous roommate had the night off. She was determined they were going out. He argued he went on dates all the time, as that was his job. She argued he never went out with her, and he had relented with a smile. She would have stayed home had he insisted, but she was glad she had managed to convince him to go clubbing with her instead.

They had taken a cab, already planning for if they drank. She, at least, would most likely do so. She’d worn a short black dress with sections missing along one side to show off most of her body and tattoos and a pair of sensible green heels. Rufioh had worn a t-shirt, a vest, and a pair of ripped jeans. Neither had really lost their preferred clothing aesthetic over the years. 

He’d escorted her in on his arm, and they made their way to the bar already discussing what sounded good right now. They found a booth and sat and drank, laughing and joking together about how great it was to get out. Porrim liked not having to be bent over in awkward angles for sometimes hours on end, and Rufioh was glad he didn’t have to smile unless he actually wanted to or force a conversation. It always just naturally flowed for them.

Eventually they found their out to the dance floor. Or rather, Porrim had led him along by the hand and he followed her contently. He was smiling, a little tipsy, and having fun. So was she. She really hadn’t had this much fun in while. It wasn’t like she never got out anymore. She went out with Meenah and Damara, and Cronus liked to take her to the movies still. She slipped back out of her thoughts when the beat of the thumping music changed and it worked its way into her bones and soul. 

She stopped them when she decided she liked the spot, spinning around to wrap her arms around his neck loosely. He settled his hands on her waist almost immediately as they rocked together to the music. 

Porrim let the music take her over, like she did with every dance. She closed her eyes and tilted her head back a bit as she swung her hips around in a slow circle, and she could feel Rufioh moving with her. He kept up with every circle, until he took hold of her hand to spin her around gently. 

He held her hands gently in his as he wrapped his arms around her lightly. They moved together, and she found herself lost in his touch and embrace. They felt like they fit together in every conceivable way. She grinded with him a bit before she spun around in his arms again to look up at him.

Her own jade green gaze fell on his, and they reminded her of copper and sunlight peeking between the branches of the trees they used to climb as kids. She smiled up at him and he returned it quickly, and she felt her heart clench a little it as a sudden realization dawned in her mind. She pressed herself in against him more, and his arms wrapped around her waist and she stretched up to kiss him lightly on the lips.

It took him a second before he returned it tentatively, almost as if he wasn’t sure if it was the correct response. They broke apart after a second and they watched each other for a long minute.

“You sure about this, doll?” Rufioh asked her, before quickly shaking his head. “Sorry, I didn’t mean--” 

“You can call me ‘doll’. And I’m sure. Are you?” She interrupted him before she asked him her own question. She wouldn’t push anything if he wasn’t interested. He watched quietly before he smiled softly.

“The surest I’ve been in while, doll.” He responded, leaning in to kiss her now. She returned it before they broke apart and agreed it was time to go home. They had a lot to talk about.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Hella Good" by No Doubt


	12. L8 CMMR

“And when I see his face,  
I feel like I can win the race.  
And when he calls, when he calls my name,  
I know we're in the long game.  
Why would I leave him for?  
I couldn't ask for any more.  
I wouldn't send, I wouldn't send him back;  
He won me game, set, and match.”

Porrim and Rufioh had been dating for at least a year now, and she was incredibly happy. A lot of their friends hadn’t caught on until they’d been together for a couple months as their behavior towards each other hadn’t changed much. She had kissed his cheek and cuddled with him before they became an item, why would it be any different now? Though when they had found out, none of them were particularly surprised by it.

Though she realized they’d been a couple since she’d asked him to be her roommate. Neither had really been seeking a title, but they had sought each other out after high school had passed. She thought maybe they were always meant to be together after they’d survived their own versions of hell.  
Her favorite time of the day was when he brought her lunch at her studio and when she came home for the night. He was usually home by then and he would cook her dinner. She loved just talking with him over their dinner. And when they went to bed now, they slept together. She adored falling asleep in his arms, head resting on his warm rumbling chest as he told her stories he remembered from his childhood.

They’d survived quite a bit together already as well. She had helped him get through his mother’s death and his little brother being paralyzed. He’d helped her with the anniversary of her miscarriage every single year they’d lived together. She considered him to be the best thing to ever happen to her.  
When they had acknowledged their relationship as existing for a year, she hesitantly approached the subject of marriage. It was more of a business move at first; she was getting awfully tired of doing two separate sets of income taxes every year because Rufioh had no idea what he was doing. Married, they filed together. He had agreed, not perturbed by the situation in the slightest.

Though she hadn’t him expected him to propose. They had discussed going down to the courthouse and just having it done there. Instead, she came home one night to an already prepared dinner and rose petals scattered around their small apartment. When she got to the table she found him kneeling and waiting for her.

“Porrim Maryam, you are the strongest person I’ve ever known. You’ve taught me so much in my life, and every day I’m thankful for the words of wisdom you gave me on that old baseball diamond.” He started when he saw her, and she had to bring her hands up to cover her mouth to keep from crying. “I’m glad you gave me a chance, and I know we talked about just going down to the courthouse...but I knew I could do this. You at least deserve a proper proposal.” 

She laughed a little to herself as he fumbled a bit with opening the small velvet box he held up. Inside was a small ring with an emerald in the center of it. He looked up at her, and she noticed he hadn’t hesitated even once during this entire ordeal. She felt like she was soaring in the clouds right now.

“Porrim, will you marry me?” He asked and all she could do was nod for a second before she began to eagerly nod and whisper quiet agreement. He took the ring out of the box and she held out her left hand and he slipped it on her finger. It was a little loose but it could be resized. This entire gesture had her almost as soft as butter right now.

He stood up and kissed her gently, and when he pulled back she smiled brightly as she looked up into his eyes. She realized just seeing his face now made her feel even stronger, and next to him she felt invincible. His voice was the most calming sound she’d ever heard in her life and she loved him with every fiber of her being.

“And to think, I once pushed you out of a tree.” Porrim whispered finally and he laughed loudly.

“Well, I probably deserved it.” He relied and she laughed now. 

“You did. You told me I was ugly.” She agreed quietly and he shook his head with a smile spread across his face. 

“I was five. I couldn’t appreciate the beauty that was in front of me. I was dick.” He answered and she nodded along while giggling nervously.

“Well, you are the sweetest, most thoughtful man I know now. And you have come so far. And I can’t wait to spend my life with you.” She told him now, blushing softly as she told him. She could imagine a life with him, a future.

“Thanks, doll. I’ve got some other good news too.” He told her as they finally pulled apart and he had pulled her chair out for her.

“More good news?” Porrim asked, laughing still as the giddiness still lingered in her every nerve as she moved to take her seat. She admired the ring on her finger as he pushed her chair in now.

“My dad is moving in with Minerva Serket because apparently they’re dating now, and he’s giving the house to us.” He said as he took his own seat. “So I thought...maybe if you wanted to try...you know, for a kid…”

“Have you been reading my diary?” She asked as she stared at him for a minute as a dopey smile spread across her face. 

“I’m pretty sure you don’t have one. At least I couldn’t find one.” Rufioh joked now, laughing at his own joke.

“You would be right. I keep my secrets in filing cabinets, not in a conveniently placed diary.” She answered and this time he laughed at her joke. She felt her heart start racing.

“See, I always thought diaries were impractical for that exact reason. But I’m just saying, if you want to...well, I’m down. You had a hard loss when we were kids, so no pressure…” He answered before he trailed off quietly and she smiled at him.

“Thank you. For everything.” Porrim finally said softly and he smiled at her. “For the proposal, for noticing my feelings and my wants. And most definitely thank you for talking to me on that baseball field. You helped me snap out of my own self-pity. I got my life back together at just the right moment, and if I hadn’t I wouldn’t have ever considered trying again.”

“I think we may have been made for each other, doll. We just had to find each other when we were grown.” Rufioh said quietly, and she just nodded in full understanding. 

They had a good meal and night in, and the next day they went down to the courthouse and got married. They also met up with Rufioh’s father, Petras Nitram, to discuss the house being put into their names. 

They moved into their own house two months later, and she was excited. She had everything she could have wanted in her life; her own tattoo parlor, and incredible husband, and the promise of a future together. 

So far, her life was astounding despite the many ups and downs she’d been forced to make; she wouldn’t change it for the life of her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "L8 CMMR" by Lily Allen

**Author's Note:**

> "One of the Boys" by Katy Perry


End file.
